Dear annonymous,

I decided out of sanity that I should finally discard you. As beautiful and as charming as you are, I  am just far too exhausted to be you're little play thing. I have a heart you know, one's that's terribly bruised and scarred from all the wrong steps I took. I need some mending but never an excuse to waste my time or my pride for all that matters. I had loved you even before I met you. Even as the rumour I've caught in the mouths of mutual friends.I decided when I found you that I would love you skin deep and flaws included. I decided to fight for you and not be bothered by the terrible things I have to do for you. I never gave up. even when I did, I always returned with full strength. perhaps I am too young for you. I am after all 21 and reckless. or perhaps you're just sick of girls my age. Funny how you would consider them and not me. Funny how you would rather fight for them even when they didn't love you as much as I did. and it's extremely hilarious how I even came to want you in the first place.

I wonder, what am I to you? and what does my effort means to you? or do you doubt my love ever existed ? even when I would kill just to make ends meet for you.

I am exhausted. I am just not up for all of this. my naivety too has a limit you know. I can't always be relying on optimism and miracles alone. I needed you to make a move and I needed you to choose me.

But I know now, even in the perfect world, that would never be thing a person like you would do. and perhaps I have been blind-sighted to believe that you were for me all along.

I hope one day, I could grow cold like you and not believe in all this "love" nonsense. I hope I could be stronger. be wiser and less impulsive. I wish I could pretend that I'm not that child who believes in a prince charming.

I wish I could embrace pain and accept this. But for now, I think I just want to destroy myself. and that begins with discarding you.


october it is.

blog,I betrayed you once again. been so caught up with life that I don't even have time to ramble over poor suicide attempts anymore. hence, I didn't even have sufficient amount of time needed for me to mourne over past or dying relationships which I have a handful of. I guess college and the band thing were pretty much a good distraction lately. though , I am still a hopeless romantic by heart. occasionally I would scavenge through stolen opportunities, in order to have a peek of my potential beau. I am pathetic in that sense, I know.so eager and desperate. but I only look and I barely touch. even so, I often dispose of them like yesterday's trash.

two days from now, I will be performing at some random show. a year ago, none of these would make sense. especially with me being in a band.

can't say if I'm grateful because I am still restless as fuck.I want to go forth until the day I am embraced for the very raw poet I intend to be. cultured and pretentious. and flawless too perhaps.

I now waste my insomniac hours watching re-runs of films that I carefully selected from imdb. considering my laptop is ambushed again, I have no way  to be further productive as a so called graphic designing freelancer.I guess I have to make do with collecting cigerette money through the band thing.

I want to tour; that's my shabby way of saying I want to travel expense-free by doing what I love most, singing.I am a hobo.end.


a week ago this would've made sense

I want the one that wants me. I want to feel safe. I want to feel stable. I want the one that doesn't give up. I want the one that's true. I want the one I can spend my nights with, to talk to and to lie on bed with.

I want to be happy.

I want anything that feels right.

I want you.whoever you are.


It was one of those night.

Where my mind doesn't really know just when to quit it. quit this whole anger business thing. I let them foolish thoughts conquer me again. This time they managed to fill these weary eyes with tears I didn't know existed. I am beginning to unravel.To release nuclear-like bursts of emotions into the ever so cold night air.

Sometimes I wonder why no one really fought for me. No one really came running and screaming towards me, thinking I'm the ONE. No, knowing that I am the ONE. The only ONE.I want so badly to be pursued but I am just too god damned selective to let just anyone chase after me. Or perhaps I am an acquired taste. Perhaps I am just vain and pretentious. Perhaps I'm a load of bullshit.

I thought they were the ones. Boy, aren't I childish. One's too fucking broken and the other is just so fucking self absorbed.They don't see me.Or at least see the things I wanted them to see.

I never said I chose solitude. I never said I crave for this emptiness. I said I wanted things calm, I never prayed for this desert. This mundane isolation.

I don't want to kill myself. But my life lack the very reason as to why I'm here.I feel so pointless and stupid sometimes. I feel so lost.And nothing is convincing enough.

Sometimes a suicide feels like the perfect birthday present.


Finally updated my phone.

So this post isn't really much about anything special in particular.Except that I finally gotten a smartphone. To my surprise, it's really not that bad.In fact, I adore the many quirky application found for my android phone.But to be exact, I don't really use my phone that often  and I rarely do anything extravagant with it, except for listening to music and occasionally snap photos.

sigh.. I am aware that this post is excruciatingly plain and boring.Oh well, I never said that I was living the "rockstar" lifestyle anyway.


my train-hopping playlist;

For whenever I'm out in broad daylight train-hopping to strange places.Now this could vary from time to time, but for years now I begin to see a definite pattern.

death cab for cutie- talking bird
mew- white lips kiss
interpol- evil
the smashing pumpkin- try try try
holly miranda- no one just is
pedro the lion-arizona
the vines- autumn shade
honey is cool- narc heart
albert hammond jr- scared
atlas sound- sheila
slowdive- machine gun
kings of leon- king of the rodeo
monsters are waiting- I wanna be adored (stone rose cover)
mazzy star- fade into you
cursive-into the fold
tired pony- dead american writers
land of talk-speak to me bones
now now every children- cars

On a lighter note;

I feel like I've been under the weather lately.Both in health and my psyche. I feel it is about high time that I pull myself together before I sound further like the unhappy lady I'm not. Not that I'm THAT happy.But yeah, things aren't really getting any worse.I should be grateful. In fact, I think I am.

I feel like I had a sense of closure.Whatever that means.I feel like I'm in peace lately with this war I have against myself.I realized now that my "People" problem is just utterly bullshit. And that my idea of the perfect partner is just a shallow excuse to not want to save my own self. I don't need what I think I needed.I learnt that in a hard way.People are bipolar. People are strange.People are selfish. They are every bit as selfish as I am.

On a lighter note, I think I enjoyed Videodrome. Of course this has little or nothing to do with the previous two paragraphs I just wrote. But regardless, this movie needs a little bit of ranting here considering I never really got over the whole vagina looking hole on the stomach part.

I saw it the other night and I was surprised. I mean the movie makes no sense. It had me during the beginning of the film when they discovered that a violent channel was being broadcast from Malaysia (that's where I live) which shortly later was proven wrong.But the minute Debbie Harry's character started haunting the lead and when the tumor thing began, it lost me right until the ending.

Now, I would go on and on and on explaining about my fave film right down to the gritty details, but I got mixed feelings about this one.But I love it in a way. Well,I love anything repulsive and retarded really.And I love how Debbie look in this film:D

The movie is basically about this guy who works in a tv programme company that showcases soft core porn. One day he suddenly caught a glimpse of this fucked up violent channel streaming illegally from the middle of nowhere and he grew fond of it. Then he got obsessed and his hot girlfriend got obsessed and next thing you know things turn for the rotten. How rotten? well, "vagina in the stomach" rotten. There's even a part where his gun was literally turning into his flesh and it was pulsating and releasing pus.

Fun. Exactly.The movie is indeed fun.

my music