a week ago this would've made sense

I want the one that wants me. I want to feel safe. I want to feel stable. I want the one that doesn't give up. I want the one that's true. I want the one I can spend my nights with, to talk to and to lie on bed with.


I want to be happy.

I want anything that feels right.

I want you.whoever you are.

It was one of those night.

Where my mind doesn't really know just when to quit it. quit this whole anger business thing. I let them foolish thoughts conquer me again. This time they managed to fill these weary eyes with tears I didn't know existed. I am beginning to unravel.To release nuclear-like bursts of emotions into the ever so cold night air.

Sometimes I wonder why no one really fought for me. No one really came running and screaming towards me, thinking I'm the ONE. No, knowing that I am the ONE. The only ONE.I want so badly to be pursued but I am just too god damned selective to let just anyone chase after me. Or perhaps I am an acquired taste. Perhaps I am just vain and pretentious. Perhaps I'm a load of bullshit.

I thought they were the ones. Boy, aren't I childish. One's too fucking broken and the other is just so fucking self absorbed.They don't see me.Or at least see the things I wanted them to see.

I never said I chose solitude. I never said I crave for this emptiness. I said I wanted things calm, I never prayed for this desert. This mundane isolation.

I don't want to kill myself. But my life lack the very reason as to why I'm here.I feel so pointless and stupid sometimes. I feel so lost.And nothing is convincing enough.

Sometimes a suicide feels like the perfect birthday present.

Finally updated my phone.

So this post isn't really much about anything special in particular.Except that I finally gotten a smartphone. To my surprise, it's really not that bad.In fact, I adore the many quirky application found for my android phone.But to be exact, I don't really use my phone that often  and I rarely do anything extravagant with it, except for listening to music and occasionally snap photos.

sigh.. I am aware that this post is excruciatingly plain and boring.Oh well, I never said that I was living the "rockstar" lifestyle anyway.

my train-hopping playlist;

For whenever I'm out in broad daylight train-hopping to strange places.Now this could vary from time to time, but for years now I begin to see a definite pattern.

death cab for cutie- talking bird
mew- white lips kiss
interpol- evil
the smashing pumpkin- try try try
holly miranda- no one just is
pedro the lion-arizona
the vines- autumn shade

honey is cool- narc heart

albert hammond jr- scared

atlas sound- sheila

slowdive- machine gun
kings of leon- king of the rodeo

monsters are waiting- I wanna be adored (stone rose cover)

mazzy star- fade into you
cursive-into the fold

tired pony- dead american writers
land of talk-speak to me bones
now now every children- cars

On a lighter note;

I feel like I've been under the weather lately.Both in health and my psyche. I feel it is about high time that I pull myself together before I sound further like the unhappy lady I'm not. Not that I'm THAT happy.But yeah, things aren't really getting any worse.I should be grateful. In fact, I think I am.

I feel like I had a sense of closure.Whatever that means.I feel like I'm in peace lately with this war I have against myself.I realized now that my "People" problem is just utterly bullshit. And that my idea of the perfect partner is just a shallow excuse to not want to save my own self. I don't need what I think I needed.I learnt that in a hard way.People are bipolar. People are strange.People are selfish. They are every bit as selfish as I am.

On a lighter note, I think I enjoyed Videodrome. Of course this has little or nothing to do with the previous two paragraphs I just wrote. But regardless, this movie needs a little bit of ranting here considering I never really got over the whole vagina looking hole on the stomach part.

I saw it the other night and I was surprised. I mean the movie makes no sense. It had me during the beginning of the film when they discovered that a violent channel was being broadcast from Malaysia (that's where I live) which shortly later was proven wrong.But the minute Debbie Harry's character started haunting the lead and when the tumor thing began, it lost me right until the ending.

Now, I would go on and on and on explaining about my fave film right down to the gritty details, but I got mixed feelings about this one.But I love it in a way. Well,I love anything repulsive and retarded really.And I love how Debbie look in this film:D

The movie is basically about this guy who works in a tv programme company that showcases soft core porn. One day he suddenly caught a glimpse of this fucked up violent channel streaming illegally from the middle of nowhere and he grew fond of it. Then he got obsessed and his hot girlfriend got obsessed and next thing you know things turn for the rotten. How rotten? well, "vagina in the stomach" rotten. There's even a part where his gun was literally turning into his flesh and it was pulsating and releasing pus.

Fun. Exactly.The movie is indeed fun.

two sleepless nights and your body is weary.

Perhaps I could've wasted my days sleeping instead.Locking myself indoor; freeing myself from the nightly outings that has become somewhat routine to me.I miss slumber time.I miss shutting my mind off from this hectic filthy world. I think the cure for anything is just sleep. Like my shitty depression or this chronic cough problem I had since three weeks ago.I need to sleep.

Perhaps I will.I might.

I wont.

Insomnia, you're like that annoying ex lover that keeps coming back into my empty life.sigh.

cold.

I think my loneliness serves me as this drive for all these useless nocturnal activities.It's not that I'm calling out for anyone.I think my only problem in life is that I lack the proper contacts that would cheer me up when I feel like shoving my head into the oven.I know at times I played myself to be this misunderstood introvert, but introverts too need a little conversation running between them and other strangers.otherwise the monologues might take it's toll on them and they too become sick of themselves.I know I am.

I think I'm running out of sense.If that even make sense to begin with.I hate when people leave me.But I understand the pain of not having them in the first place.

Inland Empire

"I figured one day I'd just wake up and and find out what the hell yesterday was all about. I'm not too keen on thinkin' about tommorow. And today's slipping by."

I decided out of boredom to combine two of my most indulged past time together. So I am basically going to start stalking and raping people now. Kidding. I am actually going to combine writing and my love for strange and mindfucking films together. Although this decision has yet to be cemented yet.I guess I'll write more on  my fave films here as well as my other mundane interests. Who knows? I could even write about stalking and raping people too.Again, that was a joke.

And off to this film. Inland Empire.Now, I've been a fan of David Lynch much sooner than I should've. I wasn't at all a true fanatic as I jumped between his films without much used of the chronological order.But I was lucky to have finally followed this method because if I had never seen Mullholand Dr. first, I wouldn't have pursued his other works such Inland Empire or Blue Velvet. And boy, is Inland Empire a gem.

     Now to formally explain what Lynch's films are about would require me to gather the very patience and energy I  don't have to come up with a research paper (which, fortunately, can be found in the web thanks to google and the many films fanatic out there), I'll just spare you the detail and summarize what the whole experience of watching Inland Empire would be like.

      Think a long exhausting,mesmerizing and confusing daydream. That and mixed with emotional rampages and traumas. Scattered visuals of both gibberish and intense memories.And you'll probably get what this beautiful film is all about.And off to the plot; well, let's just say that Lynch's latest films are barely about logic.They are more about leaving emotional impacts to viewers and leaving them awed and confused.Especially with this one.

      But if you need a synopsis to fret about then Inland Empire is basically for me the emotional/psychological/semi-spiritual journey an actress named Nikki Grace takes after a string of events that managed to stir her life into the very chaos she's in while she was preparing for a role in a said to be cursed picture. Although, I think the movie emphasize so much on what's going in her head but also confuses the viewers by mixing in all these other sub-plots in them that I think just makes the story a lot more fascinating. Of course, like most of his films, I believe Lynch wanted this to be as open ended as possible.So this film is however one wants it to be, all depending on one's interpretation.


     In my opinion, I felt as though this film was the emotional dagger that I've been looking for in the longest while.The way it was beautifully shot and the way the plot carefully alters into this tangled web of raw sentiment of being purely lost in one's psyche.I could somehow relate to the lead character even if I was at certain point, repulsed by her wickedness.But by the end of it all, I can't help but sympathize her for slipping into the damnation of her madness.But to be truthful, it wasn't until I had a 12 hours of sleep after watching the film that I came up with this opinion. This movie is like those strange dreams you had that you can't remember and make sense of, not until something triggered you.

 Well, my being overdosed of caffein triggered this whole blog post. So yeah, there you have it.I can't say if I love this film to bits or just awed by how confused and befuddled it made me.But it forever earn a spot in my collection of amazing films.



Anyway, have a great day, strangers.

It feels like a decade;

I honestly can't figure out exactly what it was that kept me so occupied for the past whole year.and I also can't tell if it had been a year or so.All I know is that last's night rummaging through  anonymous blogs had kept me somewhat entertained thus inspired this random and meaningless comeback.I don't have friends here in blogger (nor do I have any/much in other internet social platforms) so I know an apology for my absent serves not only pointless but also stupid.And since this has always been my go-to device for intense emotional outbursts, I believe it deserves a little life ranting.

Things had been great and awful all the same.It's life.It has always been trivial and bipolar and retarded that way.I lived and died the past few years as I were expected to .I'm not keen on going anymore detailed than to just summarize the many events that were a page turner (well, at least to me). Let's see, I broke up, finally stayed in a band that I give a shit about, screwed up in college and then redempt myself shortly after, finally in peace with the parents and sisters, took a chance in some designing work and had okay outcomes, worked in a cinema for fun, my fave cat died, remained isolated from all of my best friends for more than a year (or longer),learnt the meaning of getting fucking wasted, went to Singapore with my own band thus using my own money (this is a big deal for me,cause normally I couldn't even afford to buy food sometimes), met lots of new crazy interesting people, cheated, lose weight, gain weight...

I guess there's more but they appear to have no value for me to be listing them here.Anyway, I know neither of those were as emotional as I'd imagined them to be.haha..I guess I did grow cold or I've sold my soul to the devil which contributed to my little band's few success.I promise you that it could just be that my timing is off right now and that I am massively tired and on the verge of a brain coma.I'll write more soon.Perhaps when I'm done pursuing for philosophies in late eighties or nineties sci-fi/psychological horror flicks.Here's a little quote from The Devil's Advocate",good night;

"You sharpen the human appetite to the point where it can split atoms with its desire; you build egos the size of cathedrals; fiber-optically connect the world to every eager impulse; grease even the dullest dreams with these dollar-green, gold-plated fantasies, until every human becomes an aspiring emperor, becomes his own God... and where can you go from there?"