here it comes again.

and so i overfed myself with meat and other carnivorous cravings.i don't know if it was the excessive food or that treacherous time of the month again,but i feel it coming.by it i mean the random evil dark being that will soon take control of me.and i am not even being superstitious.i can already see myself arguing about almost anything if not sit in a corner trying to contain myself.i feel like murdering someone.to take a hammer and bash their heads.over and over and over again.i feel so angry.and i don't really know why.and i am starting to see that this poignant life is just pointless.i hate everything and everyone.and i am restless.ever so fucking restless.i've been dreaming a lot lately.and most of my dreams are either stupid or simple.both of which had no real impact for me.

i feel like killing myself.

or killing someone.

p m-fucking-s.

curse them stomach linings.

let me explain myself before i sound further like the immature rebel that i grew out of.yes,for the past few days i have been suffering through the most excruciating gastroenteritis, if you don't know what that is,it's just a fancy way of me saying that i have gastric.and since diarrhea,facial and stomach bloating and severe stomach cramps comes with the territory,i have no intention of sharing them here.but since blogging is my pride,i guess i'll just write it out here in the open.like anyone reads this anyways,lol.


anyway, i went to the clinic last night.and the doctor gave me some meds and told me that it might clear up within a few days or two.but i am just crossing my fingers that it'll end today.the cons of this whole situation would be;i am now unable to eat spicy foods anymore,yeayyys (this is me being sarcastic).so no more tabasco,no more wasabi,no more bird chilies and no more whatever it was that made my meals more edible:(

did i cry about this?yes,only because i am immature like that.partly because i love spicy food.anyways,i bought a new camera yesterday.it's a pentax rs 1000.it's functional.and has an interchangeable cover and all.i like it.but if i had a choice,i'd gotten the pentax dslr in hot pink.but heyy,beggars can't be choosers.besides,as long as i am able to snap photos occasionally with it than i am fine.fine like a flamingo.


anypoop,this is gay of me admitting,but i miss my boyfriend,i miss my friends, and i miss my cats.i feel as though my life is a tad bit empty lately.and i haven't been productive at all.i've been stressing out even when there is no reason to.the doc said my blood pressure is relatively increasing.and it's strange for a person of my age.i don't know.i haven't been able to sleep well lately.kept waking up at 2 a.m and kept hearing strange noises.i don't care if it's paranormal or psychological,i just want it to end and to finally have a good night rest.

so the nights are being kind to you.

i swore i take cat naps more seriously now than i do actual sleep.i am becoming an owl.a starving one in fact.i haven't ate a whole meal in 4 days now.no, i am not being anorexic.it's just typical effie when she's sick of something.i have college within a few more hours.but i honestly don't care.i find it routine to tear my body into an overdrive.abusive i know,but totally applicable.

anyway,today i went for a movie with my sister and my boyfriend.and it was sweet.i could tell it wasn't easy for him to face me regarding the terrible deed i'd done.but he tried nonetheless. on our way home,he lend me his pen tablet and gave me this birthday card he made for my birthday which was 2 weeks ago.and when i checked it out just now,i broke down in tears.


i am the dumbest girl in this entire planet.this boy would kill for me and i almost lost that.all thanks to the need of wanting that one last taste of being my ex's.

i will marry you if fate let me,merr.i'll marry you and make you babies and cook you dinner.you
are my "one".

can't sleep.can't eat.i ponder;

i want to be grateful.

for he loves me.even this rotten mistake didn't change how he felt about me.thank my lucky stars.thank my god,this universe and even fate.i never felt this sorry in my entire life.i am pledging to a commitment starting of today.a commitment to make a simple boy happy.

sigh.

"This is an old song, these are old blues, and this is not my tune, but it's mine to use."

clarity;

"A plausible way of explaining this difficulty is to claim that romantic love is based upon a few significant characteristics of the beloved, and hence loving more than one person at a time may not be entirely unfeasible, as the additional love would be based upon a different set of characteristics, and thus the two loves could be considered complementary rather than contradictory. Another context for such polyamorous love is having two romantic relationships which are at a different stage: one could be at the infatuation stage and the other at a later, more mature stage. It seems that there is no logical contradiction in romantically loving two people at the same time, and the issue here is psychological, as it generates profound emotional dissonance. The dissonance stems from the fact that by definition, emotions demand partiality, that is, the preference of one over another, which entails some sort of exclusivity. Emotionally, it is extremely painful to imagine your lover in the arms of another person. Indeed, most of those who told of being romantically in love with two people at the same time and pleased with the experience also claimed that they would not like to be at the other end of the relationship; that is, they would find it enormously difficult, if not impossible, to share their beloved with someone else."

-Aaron Ben-Zeév

it didn't hurt as much

and that is something i could be thankful for.i have my childish dreams.i guess in a sad way i wanted to go back to the past.i wanted to undo the damage.i have to face this awful fact that although we loved each other,we must never be united.i guess we just can't.

i am grasping this realization finally.mourning for it again.perhaps for the last time.at least i've tried.now i can go on accepting that.i can stop dwelling over it and start getting over it.

slowly build myself.firmly making this heart concrete again.do things.be myself.alone.so that i am certain that 3 months or a year from now,i will be ready for anything.

i need clarity.i think i found closure.i need time now.to heal and mend.it's like a transplant and when a complication comes.i need the necessary agent to fix myself again.

i need peace.i need time.i need time.

everything is broken.

i can't remember the last time i felt lost in this sensation.to be broken and whole at the same time.i am bitter about ending something this beautiful but i know i can't torture the poor boy anymore.but in a weird way,i think i feel calm.i feel really light.my heart is drenched.my eyes sore from the tears i shed.i am unsure what it regarding of.my mind is empty.i don't know how to feel.if time heals all,i hope it will heal me.i hope.i pray for it to heal me.and all those that i hurt.i never meant to be so lost.i never meant to be so unsure.i never meant to make those awful decisions.i am stupid i know.selfish in fact.



dear god,please make things better.i want things to be better again.i want to feel safe again.but i burnt my nest and broke the one heart that was certain that he loved me.i wish my heart was whole when he found me.this would've been a beautiful story.


i am sorry.

the past was made to remind you.

that everything you have today will be jaded soon.

night.

shun my thoughts.let's hear them again.

those white noises and crystal beats.i feel this urge to cry.and to break.and then become whole again.for my strength has always been the will to numb everything out.without abuse.without struggle.i can just swallow pride.and be content.smile.and ache.and feel as though life has always been a silly joke.if i must take this seriously,then i should with others.unfortunately for me,i am unable to will myself so.i guess i'll just stay in this.this state of in denial if you must call it.i just choose not to have a name for it.for whatever it is,it is almost comforting.

the truth.

i wanted to die for as long as i lived.never cared about anyone.i am as frail as the next child but chose to portray this secure being that i'm not.never too sure of anything.has more problems than i like to complained about.thrown my cats away just because my skin was sensitive.has ridiculous mood-swings.never knew where i came from.wrote every time i think i felt something,regardless of how stupid that seems.has this pathetic remedy where i compose songs in order to feel special.struggles with wanting to feel special.has been heartbroken one too many times to even admit i'll ever believe in love again.scared of being abandoned even when there's nobody around.can't cope with age.am a terrible self-loather.trying to stay sane.

and yet somehow i grew beyond all this.just to channel these thoughts into a non permanent fixture.

i think i will be fine soon.i know i will.

bored of the chore of saving face.

college will start within next week.and raya is just around the corner.i really missed those few people in my life.yet i have no way of really seeing anyone.i feel tired every morning.and i guess it's about high time that i fix my sleeping schedule.would i say that i am finally ready to go back to college?i guess so.i mean,i've only been staying home for the past i don't know 9 months.that would explain why i haven't been feeling alright lately.perhaps my body yearns for sunlight.

I will get a cat one day.

out of tune.out of mind.

if lo-fi was a genre,then it's a genre I am rooting for.wait,it is.strangers everywhere has this need to shove their opinions into someone else's throat.what will power could drive you into being a total obnoxious asshole? probably the same amount of narcotics you used to numb out your pathetic reality.I have nothing against freedom of speech.but telling off a person without the person's consent is just rude.is there no hope for civilization anymore?people are just so stupid and rude.so I posted my fake band page at some poor sites,with the intention to fish out band mates who are genuinely interested.not some loud mouthed know it all who doesn't know much about the music that I was making to give me criticisms I seriously don't need.fuck you and fuck off.

that buzzing noise the amp made without my consent.

my metabolism rate is bipolar.as of my weight,it's just stupid.my timid soul lacks the timid body it deserves.for all is too big for my own personal preference.funny how everyone around you seem to look like stick figures while you curve yourself into a shape that makes being nude feels like a whore.anyway,my hands shake due to a slow beat of a song i carefully composed out of 2 chords and a bunch of pathetic lines about a depressed rotting young woman.i miss the bitter after taste one get from smoking staled cigarettes.and i certainly miss my boyfriend.

my mind is an empty road tonight.

And so she killed herself.

by walking slowly towards a busy road of speeding vehicles.waiting carefully until a truck hits her.and jolts her into the darkness she craves.before her eyes shut and before her mind rest,she felt herself tremble and shake.and how her skin scrape itself whilst landing on top of the uneven surface of the road.she felt a heart attack.she knows she had not died because she intended to only black out.the wreckage was just for the sake of a burden-less visit to the hospital.one where she is carried by bystanders near by the so called "accident".no one saw it,but her lips were framing an honest yet humble smile.